Crypto encyclopedia: Altcoins edition

ADA: native coin of Cardano blockchain. It has many of ETH flaws while being much smaller. But don't worry! According to ADA fans it is reletively new (reletive to the birth of Jesus) and all will be okay in few more decades.

Algo: this project has everything. Top notch tech, great academic team, and a price movement slower than tether. Fans call it a great "long term investment". Meaning that it is not gonna go up in your lifetime.
Better name for it would be Alstay.

BAT: a token designed with a genius presumption. That People over the web are so kind they like to tip other people with real money. They never been to CC I assume.

CRO: crypto.com token which everyone was sure gonna be big. Why? They bought naming rights to a stadium! It didn't deliver so far. But I am 100% sure it will be with few more naming rights. Maybe a street? Or a new variant of the corona virus?

Doge coin: spiritual father of every shitcoin out there which according to its fans is not a shitcoin itself. Their logic? It has been around for a long time. Because being around for a long time means it is good. Like war, cancer or my hemorrhoid.

ETH: second biggest cryptocurrency. A living proof that people actually enjoy getting rekt by high gas fee and slow transaction time. But don't worry. There is a L2 which is gonna solve all of its problems by making everything ten times more complex.

Filecoin: a storage token. Meaning you have to pay to store your "sensitive" files on hundred other computers all over the world and make it hundred times more likely to be stolen.

HBAR: hedera is a hashgraph network founded by 50 corporates responsible for half of the world's problems. Its logo alone can be used to summon dark lord Cthulhu.

MANA: token of decentraland. A game more messy than GOT final and less fun than playing checkers with you grandma's skeleton. It is like a town without water or electricity selling lands for a million. Only this town is made of pixels.

Polygon (MATIC): A medicinal blockchain that cures ETH sicknesses. Best tool for NFT crazed people to buy pixelated pictures of their ancestors.

Shib: Doge and ETH having a child. A test to see how stupid people actually are. The result was so great they have launched NFTs.

Sol: Solana is the crypto equivalent of paypal plus occasional blackouts. It is so centralized that you can walk from one node to another.

Tether: Biggest existential threat to humankind after climate change and nuclear war. It is a stablecoin so unstable that they had to treat if for bipolar disorder.

XRP: more of a court room soup opera than a blockchain. ripple labs been in fight with SEC for so long it is healthy to assume it is gonna end in sex.