My tea leaves, ouija board, and tarot cards have confirmed the bear market is over

Fellow morons, idiots, imbeciles, cretins, and other degenerate gamblers:

I have seen the end of the the bear market! Fear not, you can trust me.

While some of you have been studying candles, previous price charts, the goddamn rainbow thing, and other useless sources, I have found the truth.

First, I brewed tea. Black tea, if you're wondering. From the back of my cabinet, probably several years old. I let the leaves settle in the bottom of my Pokemon teacup while I refreshed CoinBase and yearned for the days of Coinbase Pro. When the leaves had formed their pattern, I saw it: A BULL. Lords and ladies and non-binary brethren, how I wept with joy.

But, lo, Mark Cuban had not spoken about his tea leaves, so I decided I needed a second source. I got out my Ouija board, which Parker Brothers unearthed (along with thousands of others) from an Egyptian tomb that had been sealed since 600 BCE. My grandmother had said it was cursed, but my grandmother had also said that Betamax would beat out VHS, so her opinion wasn't worth much.

First, I asked the Ouija board if any of you losers here on this sub would finally lose their virginity in 2023, and the ancient Egyptian spirits on the other side said--and I quote--"LOLOLOLOLOL. NO."

Then, I asked if we were at the end of the bear market. The spirits said, "Hell yeah, bro."

I was ready to post here, right then, but I wanted one more check point.

I got out my tarot deck. My grandFATHER had said these cards were the best, as they had guided him to divorce my grandmother after she bought a Betamax player.

Now, I don't know shit about tarot. I shuffled the deck. I cut the cards. I picked a random card.

IT WAS A BULL.

Some of you are saying that tarot decks don't have bull cards. That's what made me truly believe.

So, there it is. My absolutely solid prediction that we have hit the bottom and are getting ready for THE BULL STAMPEDE.