[SATIRE] 10 Pieces of Advice for Crypto Newcomers

As we gear up for the halving, we need to make newcomers understand this space and how to succeed. Here's my top 10 list

1. Never bother with test transactions. Every transaction costs a fee, and by doing a test transaction, you are literally just throwing money away. The only people who push test transactions are miners and validators so they can steal your hard-earned crypto.
2. Share you seed phrase with someone close to you. You never know when you'll lose your seed phrase, so knowing that someone else has it reduces your risk.
3. Earn more from your crypto by lending through yield-bearing platforms. There are so many platforms out there that let you lend your crypto and they give you a return. Compound interest can be huge, especially with capped crypto like Bitcoin.
4. Invest in new projects. Projects like Bitcoin and Ethereum are too large to grow much. Find the new projects that have a lot of room to grow. You'll make much more that way.
5. Invest in many projects. The more projects you invest in, the better your chances of finding the one that does a 1000x. It simply the law of averages.
6. Take out personal loans to fund crypto purchases. Crypto grows really really really fast. Like, it grows so fast, it makes other fast growing investments look not fast. By taking out personal loans at 10%-30% APR, and having crypto grow at 100% APR, you basically make 70%-90% gains. It's like an infinite money glitch.
7. Convince your friends and family to buy your project. This does two things. The first is it immediately pumps your own bag, since when they buy, the price goes up. Second, you get rich together and they will be forever thankful of your relentless badgering and high pressure sales tactics.
8. Listen to crypto influencers. These people have influence for a reason. They already made it, so they know what they are talking about. Following free investment advice from people like Elon, Mark Cuban, BitBoy, Ben.ETH, and others is the smartest thing you can do. They obviously don't want to lose money and have proven they know how to make money, so follow their advice and make money.
9. Buy crypto merchandise and wear crypto-based attire. Be proud that you're an early adopter and show other people how smart you are by wearing crypto clothing and having crypto decor and bumper stickers. It is marketing your favorite projects, while also attracting the attention of other crypto investors who will want to be friends with you. In fact, it's probably best if you make you entire personality about crypto.
10. Look at charts as much as possible. To truly succeed, you need to be glued to the charts 24/7. You don't want to miss an amazing buying opportunity or risk holding the bag when there's a massive selloff. By always watching the charts, you'll be able to react in a moment's notice and capitalize on opportunities.

This is financial advice.

What advice do you think newcomers should have?