Thieves Steal More Than 150 BTC From Joplin Bitcoin ATM

JOPLIN, MO. - Two thieves ripped open a Bitcoin ATM this past weekend outside a Joplin Circle-K and made off with about 153 bitcoins (BTC) according to the Joplin Police Department.

The heist took place about 6 a.m. Sunday at 4420 N. 45th St.

An eye-witness reported seeing two men backing up to the Bitcoin ATM with their car and ripping the front of the machine open with crowbars.

“It only took them about two minutes,” said Jeb Moons, who said he heard the thieves screaming “gotta get those tendies!” and “diamond hands bitches!” as they poured the loose BTC into their backpacks.

Moons said the men were dressed in black with the hoods of their sweatshirts pulled up and their faces covered. He also reported that both sweatshirts had the letters “WSB” on them with a image of a baby wearing sunglasses.

“There was literally bitcoin everywhere, it was like witnessing a real-life double-top!” said Laura Latoshi, who also remarked that she saw people rush the ATM and start grabbing as much bitcoin as they could carry. “If you ask me, they are just a bunch of paper-handed bitches who obviously panicked during the last market dip and sold low.”

The car — a 2021 Tesla Model S Plaid — was subsequently spotted by employees working the Joplin AMC Theatre later the same day. “I guess they bought high and sold low and are looking for a way to buy some Lambos.” said Frank Etherman, an AMC box office employee.

A member of the popular subreddit, CryptoCurrency, estimated the theft was worth roughly $6,900,420.00. Police are asking anyone with information to post on r/CryptoCurrency.

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Thieves make off with $6.9 million worth of bitcoins

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If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Hopefully this was a funny break from all the political and hacking news. Have a great day everyone!