This week in crypto (2022-08-21)

Bringing you the highlights and lowlights of this week of crypto news from r/cryptocurrency.

In Headshot. Bang! Done. news, the upcoming ETH merge is expected by some on r/cc to send all ETH miners to the shadow realm. Despite popular comments to the contrary, the merge will not bring us a new token, lower gas prices, speed up transactions or release staked ETH at the time it is implemented. However, it has been claimed that the move from Prisoners of War to Pieces of Sh*t will definitely immediately kill off GPU mining entirely, causing the price of GPUs to drop. Unless of course miners can find other coins to mine but let’s be real, what are the chances of that happening?

Tornado Cash has been making the news with [blocked].

The entire r/cryptocurrency experienced an inversion this week when many members were given an NFT for free and those that weren’t experienced NFT FOMO for the first time in their lives. What were previously called a joke, ugly as sin and “the reason for disease” suddenly became the most sought after items with many posts full of teary pleas asking how to get one. The CEO of NFTs has been said to have declared victory over the once seemingly staunchly anti-NFT sub-reddits by screaming “LOOK AT ME NOW!” as he accidentally-on-purposely slowly dribbled them out. When questioned on their sudden change of heart, Redditors replied “free is good.”

The bear market, which ended multiple times last week, has suddenly re-appeared in a hungry state. It is widely believed to have been on a multi-week bender and drunk too much vodka, lowering its body temperature enough for it to think it was hibernation time. By all reports it’s doing much better now and back with us for the time being. Redditors who had been declaring the bull run back on immediately started commenting “I told you so” and “it never left” in the daily, as is tradition.

On the subject of pig butchering, scams are on the rise again in the crypto world. Whereas in the glorious days of the past balding male scammers with classic usernames like tigerlady69 and catholicschoolgirl420 might have been pulling it off, I have recently been getting DMs from luna771100 and luna6969. A somber reminder to all r/cc members that no woman will ever be interested in us, not even in our tiny amounts of crypto, and thus all DMs are not to be trusted. Furthermore: “luna”? Disgusting. Eww.

In future workplace incident news, some guy’s co-workers laughed at him for investing in crypto. Apparently, he has been nicknamed “crypto guy” by them and is treated like an idiot for believing in crypto. Here in r/cc, however, people treat him like an idiot for sharing the fact that he’s investing in crypto with his co-workers. He is thus fully expected to become the next crypto billionaire and buy out Reddit to enable him to enact his revenge.

Good luck to us all this coming week. May your dildos be long, firm and green (or red in Asia).