U.S. National Anthem now considered financial advice, per SEC press release

- Washington D.C.

The Securities & Exchange Commission (SEC) announced today that they are banning the performance of "The Star Spangled Banner" at all public events across the U.S., citing concerns that the song's lyrics could be used to manipulate the cryptocurrency markets.

The SEC pointed specifically to the use of the words "rocket" and "flag" in the song's lyrics, which they claim could be interpreted as bullish signals in the crypto world. "You degens will not be disrespecting America with emojis" said the commissions Chairman, Gary Gensler.

The rocket and flag emojis were recently cited as dangerous financial advice, as they could be used to signal to other investors to buy or sell so-called promising projects like Ethereum Max.

"The SEC takes market manipulation super serial," said a particularly environmentally forward-thinking spokesperson, seen eating the water bottle given to them prior to our interview as a means of recycling. "We cannot allow the star spangled banner to be used as a tool to manipulate the markets. We urge all Americans to comply with this ban and to refrain from using these emojis in any context related to crypto or financial advice."

The ban has been met with mixed reactions, with some crypto investors expressing outrage, and crayon eaters applauding the SEC for their efforts to maintain market integrity. Some musicians have also expressed concern over the ban, citing the Star-Spangled Banner's historical significance as a symbol of American pride. "This old world is getting to me. There's just no trust, no tegridy." one gig musician said.

The ban will go into effect immediately. The SEC has warned that any violations will be met with swift and severe penalties. This is a developing story.